Feeling Invisible

In the last couple years the phrase “feeling invisible” has come to my attention in reference to seniors.  I have friends who say they feel it.  It’s baffled me from the start because I haven’t experienced it.  Maybe I’m oblivious, but I’ve never felt dismissed or disregarded.  And this led me to wonder if it’s just older people experiencing isolation and loneliness.

IT'S A THING

Research has shown people genuinely pay less attention to older adults―they are increasingly overlooked, listened to less, and taken less seriously.  This societal ageism manifests in social, cultural and emotional neglect.  

Bias and discrimination against older individuals are deeply ingrained in Western culture.  Our society idealizes and prioritized youth and denies the desirability of aging.  As Andy Rooney once said, “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”  

What counts is being productive and looking the part.  Aging is seen as a decline in productivity, importance and worth.  Whole industries sell the manipulation and covering-up of the signs of aging as self-improvement.  Consequently, "old" turns into something to fight, hide, or apologize for.

For parents, aging can diminish their feeling of relevance in the family.  With children taking on the role of parents, aging parents are often sidelined in family decisions and outdated by ever-changing childcare routines.  They can feel unnecessary and discarded. 

Age invisibility is something our culture chooses.  In some places customs and culture are built on respect for elders—getting older means a person's word carries more weight, not less—age lifts people up instead of pushing them aside. 

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THE INITIAL PROBLEM

We often remind our children that we (as mature adults) “know better” and they need to respect our judgment.  So why don’t we make it our responsibility to remind our children that their grandparents have even more lived experience, more knowledge of life, and perhaps even bits of wisdom―and therefore deserve ongoing respect? 

THE REAL PROBLEM

The problem starts when the message on the outside works its way in.  The negative impact of feeling overlooked and undervalued as one ages slowly changes how a person sees themself.  Eventually it starts to reflect in the person’s behavior, and from there it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

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THE SOLUTION  As I see it...

First, don’t believe it!  We should never look for our reflection―our identity―in other people’s eyes.  We can’t rely on external validation to feel valued.  Though our looks may fade and our bodies may slow down, we are the same people who made worthwhile contributions to the world and our families.  Physical aging does not diminished who we are.  

REGAIN YOUR CONFIDENCE

• Don't refer to yourself as "old."  If you aren’t convinced that you’re the same person you always were, the world won’t believe you either.  
• Get a life.  If you don’t have a hobby, interest or passion, look for one or try a few on for size.  It will give you something of your own that you have knowledge of.  
• Try new things, even silly things―karaoke, sushi, swimming in the lake.  If you believe you can do it, don’t let anyone tell you you’re too old.
• If you’ve let technology pass you by, make the effort to know and use the basics.  It will boost your confidence tremendously.  
• If you don’t actually feel the same confidence in your abilities, at least don’t lose sight of who you were and what you accomplished in your life.
• Walk with your back straight and your head up.  Looking confident does wonders for feeling confident.

KEEP YOUR INDEPENDENCE

• Don’t succumb to courtesy or pressure to give up your independence.  It may not be "for your own good" but instead for others' convenience.  But be honest with yourself.
• Don’t ask or let others do what you can still do for yourself―don’t relinquish responsibilities―for fear others (and you) stop remembering that you’re capable.  
• It may be tempting to be waited on or to put on the naïve, flustered or overwhelmed hat, but know that as you age, these actions are viewed through a lens of possible dementia and there’s no reversing that effect.
• It’s fine to take family or a friend to appointments with you, but don’t look to them to ask the questions or let them take over the conversation.  You’re the patient, and unless you want to be treated as helpless and incapable, act like it.  
• Drive if you can still drive safely―but this is not something to dig in your heels on―safety comes first!  
• Be and look pleasant and alert.  Don’t allow your “resting” expression to be sour or drowsy. 

BE PART OF THE CONVERSATION  

• Insert yourself in events and situations.  Stay home if you want to, but don't sit on the sidelines if you go.  
• Don't think you should only converse with your peers.  It can be enlightening for both sides if you strike up a conversation with a teenager or young mother.
• If you have something to say, speak with conviction.  Your opinions, thoughts and feelings are valid and deserve attention.
• Read or listen to books―reading keeps you relevant.  Make the effort to keep up with current events, movies, etc. 
• Don’t let yourself be dismissed as “not able to understand.”  Age alone has nothing to do with your ability to grasp new concepts.  Ask questions until you do.
• We've all heard older people whose voices get weak and quavery.  Avoid this with deliberate and assertive speaking.  Practice in the shower!  

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What you feed your mind can rewire your brain.  What you believe―unlike the whole culture―is yours to decide!  So make it your purpose to prove your purpose―to yourself and the people around you.  Expect to be acknowledged and considered and don't accept otherwise! 

Be proud of who you are and how far you’ve come!  Embrace your age and the journey you’ve been on as an achievement and an accomplishment.  You've made it this far and still have things to offer.  You are resilient!

It’s about identity, dignity, and the need to be seen. People who hold onto a hopeful view of their own aging, live about seven years longer and stay sharper and steadier along the way, than people who don't.

BY NO MEANS the End