Alone vs Lonely

I spend a lot of time alone.  Mostly by choice.  I love my alone time.  I keep very busy, but would be hard-put and even a bit embarrassed to admit some of the things that fill my time.

I have gardeners and house cleaners around some days, but that doesn't count.  If I haven't left the house or driven my car for several days, I will start to feel antsy.  Sometimes it's just to get out of the house by myself.  But it's often to socialize--to talk to someone besides Sadie.  But fortunately, I never feel lonely.

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ALONE is a state of being--we are by ourselves, but there is nothing inherently negative in the solitude. 

LONELY is a state of mind--we feel we are by ourselves, and as a result we suffer from isolation. 

Although there is an overlap, alone and lonely are completely different concepts.  If one's solitude is voluntarily, and one continues to maintain positive social relationships, that's most likely a healthy alone experience.  But if being alone is not by choice, or being with others leaves one feeling disconnected, despondent and lonely, that's not a good situation.  

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Some people bask in solitude.  They're not antisocial, just quite content to be alone.  In fact, they look forward to it.  Those folks understand there's a kind of freedom in solitude that we rarely experience in the company of others.  They value privacy and enjoy the calm and quiet.  They can find lots of activities of interest and enjoy pursuing those activities, uninterrupted.  

Though most people need close relationships and companionship to thrive, research suggest that some amount of solitude, or quality alone time, is also important.  It can promote productivity and creativity.  It can be restorative and provide time for reflection.

And time alone can actually improve relationships.  Being an independent, autonomous individual, while also being emotionally close with others, are essential ingredients for healthy relationships--and make a more interesting friend or partner.  Furthermore, time alone allows us to appreciate our time with others. 

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We may choose to be alone, but no one chooses to be lonely.  In loneliness one suffers sorrow and distress from wanting human contact but feeling unwanted and isolated.  We all need people we can talk to and who support us. We want to feel connected, known and accepted.  Feeling lonely can come from as little as a lack of a quiet presence in one's home--like a roommate or a pet--just a living being in the next room.  

The pandemic forced most of us to spend much more time alone, and this saw an increase in people suffering from loneliness.  And there-in lies the distinction--choice.  Being alone needs to be something we choose; if it is not by choice, it can lead to loneliness.  

It's not unusual to feel lonely from time to time.  The newest variable might me technology.  While it keeps us connected remotely, face-to-face interactions are often sacrificed.  We miss out on quality time with others, and deeper more meaningful human connections.    

Life situations can predispose us to loneliness.  Some are more vulnerable around the holidays or during times of extreme stress--divorce or even death--whether alone or not.  Loneliness can be experienced if you feel the pressure of having no time to yourself or being taken for granted.  It can occur if you suffer an isolating physical condition or chronic pain.  

Low self-esteem and being overly self-critical can lead to solitude and loneliness.  We've seen how social media can have a negative impact on young people.  Burdens borne in private--whether secrets or hardships--often lead to profound isolation.  Personality factors, like introversion and having poor social skills can affect one's ability to connect.

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Ironically, you don't have to be alone to feel lonely.  People can be alone and not feel lonely.  And people who feel lonely are not necessarily alone.  Nietzsche wrote that some people steal our solitude without offering us company.  Even people who are surrounded by others--or are in a long marriage--can experience a deep and pervasive isolation if relationships are not genuine or trustworthy.  Sometimes we are lonelier with people than we would be by ourselves.

Humans are social creatures who need others for emotional well-being.  But to what extent we need human interaction is highly individual.  Feeling content and valued is the indicator of a good balance.