Compassionate Preparations

Having returned from New York and the my last auction at Bonhams, I can now reflect on how the dismantling of my parents' house went after my dad's passing.  I'm writing this while it's all fairly fresh in my mind.  Many of my friends lost their parents when they were younger, but now we all have to consider the job our heirs will have.  

The death of a parent makes you confront your 'stuff,' as well as your feelings about the future and mortality.  At my age, it hits closer to home than I care for.  But with the boy scout's motto at heart, there are several preparations we can make proactively, during our lifetime, to show compassion for our loved ones after we’re gone--and for our own peace of mind. 

Getting your affairs in order is essential and straight forward--have Estate Plans drawn up by an attorney. In addition, create a file (physical or digital) of important information and documents and make your family aware of it.  All these need to be updated periodically during one's lifetime.  

📌 A list of who to contact upon your death (relatives, friends, estate attorney and accountant) with their relationship and phone numbers.

📌 A list of banks and investment accounts with contacts, accounts and phone numbers.  And all other financial information (mortgage, loans, investments, property and income tax records).

📌 A list of bills and services that need to be paid (and cancelled) with account and phone numbers--highlighting automatic payments, so they can be paused right away. 

📌 Create a document locater--a list of where documents and valuables (deeds, birth certificates, tax returns, jewelry) can be found (on files, computer, thumb drive, in a safe (with code) or safety deposit box (with location of the key).  

📌 A list of valuable items in the home, their monetary value and receipts if you have them.  You can also list the items you think should be kept in the family to preserve memories or family history.  And a list of family members and friends who you'd like to be offered or gifted specific items.  The next generation doesn't necessarily value the same things we do; we just need to remember it doesn't signify a lack of respect, just the world moving on.  And to be realistic--none of it will hurt once we're gone. 

 

"Death Cleaning is a Swedish term that's a decluttering method focussing on minimizing one's possessions to ease the responsibility and burden on loved ones after death.  It involves going through your belongings with the intent of leaving behind only what is meaningful or necessary.  This is a basic tenant of most simplifying techniques.  

 

Discarding of material things can feel good; if you can gift, donate or sell items at various times during your life, you'll see them go to good homes.  But for some of us it's difficult to drastically purge while we’re still active and enjoying life.  I like to think I'll give away or sell everything but the essentials when I'm, say 95. However, what if I feel like I do now and still want to have my belongings around me?  I loved that my dad still had his passion for the beautiful things he collected to the end.  It signified to me that he still had a passion for living.  

So, editing and organizing is about as much as I can do right now.  I'm always 'weeding' my possessions and trying to 'thin out' my paper and digital files.  I question myself.  Do I care about this item or just hanging onto it?  Will I realistically ever look at this file again?  The secret is to do all this continually, so it's not a huge undertaking for you at some point or overwhelming for your children after you're gone.  

📌 Aside from seasonal and entertaining items, I want everything I own to be in use or displayed for my enjoyment.  Moving was a great motivator; it forced me stop, consider and pare down.

📌 When I buy something new, it's often an upgrade, so I give away what it's replacing.  If it’s something superfluous, it must be meaningful to me, and I must have a place for it.   

📌 I have a logical and specific place for everything and it's all where it should be (mostly).  

Another gesture you can make for your children and grandchildren is to keep a family timeline and/or write a family history.   I  keep an ongoing timeline of significant events (births, deaths, marriages, moves, vacations, etc.) because I can never remember when things happened.  I refer to it a lot.  When my dad was in his early 90s, I asked him to fill out a questionnaire about his life (see below).  It was extensive and probably daunting.  I never saw it again.  But I had the wonderful surprise after his death of finding a lengthy typed autobiography he’d written.  He had to do it on his own terms.  It was wonderful to read, especially with all the sentiment he included.  

DISMANTLING a HOUSEHOLD

The disposition of a parent's possession is inherently emotional and usually stressful.  The memories suddenly flood back, sentiment and even guilt (at getting rid of things your parents loved) can come into play.  And often it's additionally difficult because of the logistics.  After my dad passed, I was left with a large house that had been lived in 30 years.  And although my dad was  good about donating old things, it was a lot to navigate.  I took a five-part approach:  1.    What to keep?  This was the most difficult.  So many things had sentimental value and ‘felt like home.’  There were many things I’d admired for so long that I couldn’t imagine parting with them.  But for most it comes down to this question:  Do I now or do I hope to someday have a place in my home for the item in question?  If the answer is yes to ‘now,’ by all means, keep it.  BUT, if the answer is ‘someday,’ it may be worth it to fill a corner of your garage or basement or even get a storage unit.  Again, you can always let it go later if you change your mind, but you can’t get back what you’ve discarded during this difficult time.  2.    Throw aways.  Very quickly I went in and threw away all personal items (bathroom items, underwear, etc.).  My mom was a big clipper of recipes and articles and a saver of letters and cards.  What she didn't send me in her lifetime, I found stuffed in her desk drawers.  I was tempted to look through it--and I did take out photographs--but I resisted the urge.  I have my own files of the same to deal with!  3.    Donations.  Then I set aside all soft goods (clothes, sheets, blankets, towels, place mats), all kitchen equipment and other small items (pots, pans, utensils, everyday dishes, office supplies, clocks, radios, tools) for donation--unless I knew someone who could use something specific.  4.    Give aways.  This is where my approach might differ from others.  Knowing the bulk of the value in the estate (after the real estate) was in the art and antiques, I decided to give away all the furniture, newer rugs, televisions, stereos, computer, and good dishes and glassware.  Some things had value, and I certainly could have made some money with an estate sale.  But the idea of people traipsing through the house and offering next to nothing for things wasn't for me.  And consignments would have meant getting things transported to various dealers, with the financial benefits (they price-to-sell, then take ~40%) hardly worth the effort and record keeping.  So, I contacted relatives and friends and offered all things that I knew could be used and appreciated by others.   5.    Sales or Auctions.  Finally, I was left with the paintings and antiques.  I am very fortunate that my dad was so organized with his paperwork and documentation.  And I had the invaluable help of an art appraiser, who is well connected in the art and auction world and who handled all the details of my auctions.  If there are a significant number of items of value (like in my give-aways), I'd advise finding an estate sale agent or auction house to handle the logistics.  It's a big undertaking.

FAMILY HISTORY QUESTIONNAIRE

CHILDHOOD

How did you get that name?  Did you have any nicknames?

How were your relationships with your siblings and parents?

What are some lessons you learned from you parents?

What was your earliest memory?

Where did you go to school?

Did you do chores?

Where did you live while growing up?

What kind of house/neighborhood was it?

What are your best childhood memories?

What are your worst childhood memories?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

TEEN YEARS

How did you learn how to drive?

What did you like/dislike about school?

What were you like in high school?

Did you study hard and get good grades?

Did you work during high school?

Were you into sports?

Did you go to school functions like games, dances?

What activities were you involved in?  Special interests?

What kind of friends did you have?  Still friends with anyone?

Did you have a girl / boy friend?  Best friend?

Did you date much and what was a typical date?

Did you get along with your parents?

What were your aspirations?

COLLEGE

Did you attend college or a trade school?

What college?  Major and minor?

How did you choose what you wanted to study?

Were you in a fraternity or sorority?

Did you live on your own?  How well prepared were you for that?

Did you work during college?

Did you participate in college athletics?

What activities were you involved in?  Special interests?

What kind of friends did you have?  Still friends with anyone?

Did you have a boy / girlfriend?  Best friend?

Did you date much and what was a typical date?

Did you get along with your parents?

What were your goals?

What was the impact of your education on your life?

MILITARY

Did you serve in the military?

What was your rank and what did you do?

Where were you stationed?

What was the experience like?

CAREER

What was your first job?

What jobs have you had?

Which was your favorite job?  Least favorite?

Describe your career path?

Do you find your career satisfying?

What were your plans for retirement?

What was the impact of your work on your life?

MARRIAGE

How did you meet your spouse?

Was it love at first sight or did it take some time?  First impression?

How long did you date before you got married?  The proposal?

Where did your wedding take place?  Was it formal, exciting?

Who were you bridesmaids / best men?

Where did you go on your honeymoon?

What’s the best part of your marriage?

Have you had struggles?

What lessons have you learned?

What’s the secret of a strong marriage?

CHILDREN & GRANDCHILDREN

Did you always know you wanted children?

Do you wish you’d had more?

How did you choose their names?

What do you love most about each child?

What are their strengths and weaknesses?

What are your favorite family activities?

What keeps a family close?

What is the role of family in your life?

WHO ARE YOU NOW?

How would you describe yourself?

What is your most worthwhile quality?

What is your least attractive trait?

What skill or talent are you most proud of?

How have you changed over the years?  How ?  Why?

What do you most enjoy in your life?  Gives you the most pleasure?

Do you have things you worry about?

Do you have close friends outside of marriage?

What would you like to do before you die?  (Bucket list)

What are your priorities in life now?

What gives your life meaning?

Do you believe in God?

What would you like to be remembered for?

What should the title of your autobiography be?

What advice would you give yourself as a teenager?

Are you content?

SUMMING IT UP

Has your life turned out as you expected?

What is your idea of a successful life?  Has yours been?

What is your biggest lifetime accomplishment?

Do you feel you’ve contributed to the world?

What was your biggest challenge?

Would you have done anything differently?  Regrets?

What is the most daring thing you've done?

What is your fondest memory?

What was your saddest moment?

What was your most embarrassing moment?

What was the best time of your life?

Where was your favorite vacation?

What is the most beauty you've ever seen?

What is the worst thing you’ve ever witnessed?

What is your favorite book?

What famous (or otherwise) person do you admire most?

What has been the most significant historical event in your lifetime?

What has been the most significant innovation in your lifetime?

What are the three most important values a person should have?

What are the three most important qualities a person should possess?

What are your beliefs about death?

The End